Returning to the Book Community + Dealing with Loneliness and Depression

Hi everyone,

Wow, it's been about a year or more since the last time I posted on my bookstagram account and on this blog. To start, let me tell you that it's been quite the year; saying it's been a rollercoaster would be an understatement. You'll read below the good, bad, and everything in between that has happened this past year and why I'm finally ready to come back to the community that had felt like a second family to me. I felt terrible for stepping away from this family but also glad that I did, because I've learned a lot about myself and had to confront some things that I wouldn't have been able to do in the past. So, dear reader, I thank you for coming to my blog to read this post and hope that something I say below connects to you.

Lets start from August 2017, the month I started my first job straight out of college. Landing that job, the one I'm still currently in, felt like a damn miracle when I got it. Like any other college graduate, you immediately worry about your future and stress about finding a job as fast as possible in order to start being an actual adult in this competitive, chaotic world of ours. But when I got the job, I was over the moon, beyond grateful and amazed at myself for getting it less than two months after graduating from college (I still am thankful and proud of myself). And I hadn't even turned 22 yet and felt like I was on the right track. But that was the beginning of the domino effect that led to (what felt like) a never-ending book slump and my hiatus from bookstagram, as well as the book community.

I'll start with some good things that have happened over the course of the year: Went to concerts performed by Ed Sheeran, Taylor Swift, Maroon 5 (#1 favorite band), and Panic! At the Disco (twice!); attended (and still go to) events through my job; celebrated New Year's Eve with a close friend from college; gushed over Love, Simon and To All the Boys I've Loved Before movies; visited Korea for the first time with my parents and cousin; took a day off work to celebrate my BFF's birthday (her b-day is the day before mine!); and more highlights that I can't think of at the top of my head right now.

And now, here are the not-so-good things that happened while I was away: Mourned the sudden death of a close family friend who I loved like an aunt, learned my grandma has cancer, found out that my dad might also have cancer (doing more tests soon), learned that I have a lot of ovarian cysts and might not be able to have kids in the future, said goodbye to close coworkers as they changed careers, fell back into my six-year-old self's state of depression too many times this year, plagued with nightmares at least once a month of my parents dying and me being left completely alone, and a few other (not as heavy) things that just kept piling up and weighing on top of me.

I know, it's a lot—to say the least. But in the in-between, I had time to process and to understand this new version of myself, to figure out where I want my future to go, to accept parts of myself that I hated, to be more confident. But I'm still learning and growing, as I'm sure everyone else is.

As for the initial reason for stepping away from the book community (apart from being Twitter to mostly see what's been happening), this part might connect with some of you out there. Where I found comfort in reading and communicating with readers in the book community via Instagram, I had instead found myself wanting to go cold-turkey and had shut myself out. There's probably a good amount of bookstagrammers that may understand how there comes a point when posting on Instagram gives you a bit—or a lot in my case—of anxiety and/or starts to stress you out. Either it's because you're worried that if you don't post everyday you'll lose followers, or it's because you're worried about not getting a bunch of followers if you don't make your photos look original and unique and eye-catching—or maybe something else entirely different.

But I had officially hit that point last December with bookstagram, and it didn't help that I was just getting my bearings on my new job and would come home every night feeling completely drained and unmotivated to take, edit, and post photos on bookstagram. I felt like an empty shell and completely lost interest in reading, reviewing, and posting on Instagram, as well as keeping up with everyone else's posts and "liking" + commenting on the ones I liked, which was almost all of them.

This was the point where I knew I need to step away and reevaluate the things that I valued. I didn't want to continue to force myself to post things and to read and then end up hating everything to please my followers to prove something. I never want to hate reading or to hate books in general (which might sound completely insane), so I knew it was time for me to stop and refocus my attention on my values and to get a grip on myself.

As far as everything that happened after I went cold turkey with bookstagram and the book community, I directed my attention to taking care of myself, but also heavily on my job since it was my first one out of college, and I didn't want to disappoint my boss who put so much faith in me to take on this position that juggles at least three different roles in the company. One of the perks that helps make my job more enjoyable includes getting invited to media events. And while I love being able to go to these events, such as restaurant/store openings, seasonal menu tastings, networking get-togethers, etc., I felt myself start to become a bit of an air head. I can honestly say that before starting this job, I've never (and anyone in my personal life knows this) had an ego or bragged about things or tried to make others feel bad for not having things that I did.

In fact, I've always tried so hard to put others before myself, to try to please everyone, to help anyone whoever asks or doesn't ask for it, to do anything that would make others accept me. Ever since I was a kid, my mother told me this, and it has been my mantra ever since: Treat others the way you want to be treated. But I've started to feel that slipping from me. No matter how many events I attended or new people I got to network with or dishes I got to indulge in, I posted those on my personal Instagram stories to show people—majority of which are people who were friends or acquaintances back in high school and haven't had communication with since then—that I'm doing well for myself, that I'm getting to go to these exclusive events and eat so much delicious food and view things before the public. All because I never got to do that for myself in the past, ever.

I got so caught up and consumed with making people think that "I should've stayed friends with her because look at all the cool events and places she gets to go to" to hide the fact that I've been feeling more alone than ever. And it sucks. I hate feeling this way because, first of all, it's shallow and childish (regarding posting only to make others jealous or wish they were still my friends), and, secondly, I've been lonely (and was depressed) for a large part of my childhood and hoped to never to feel it on that level again—but it did. So I felt like I lost myself and my bookstagram friends after I had stopped posting, and then I felt like I didn't have any friends in my personal life to socialize with since I've been wanting so badly to go out to do fun things and make memories with people while I'm still alive and in my early 20s. It also didn't help that I had come to realize over this year was that when my parents pass away, it will just be me. No siblings. No nieces or nephews. Possibly no biological children of my own. And it's been so terrifying thinking about that, which is probably what's causing me to have these horrible nightmares about my parents dying and waking up with a near panic attack every time.

Sorry to dump all of this heavy, personal stuff out in the open with little to no organization (sorry for any grammatical/spelling errors; I'm typically a stickler when it comes to that). While it felt safer to keep everything inside, I feel so much better now writing this all out and sharing it, because I've finally come to the understanding that I am not the only one who feels like this. I've been thinking all year that there's no way anyone else could possibly feel what I feel and that was pretty (as I've said before) self-absorbed of me to think. But I know that there are others who are feeling the same way or even worse than I do (probably the latter). So I want to say that I'm here and more than happy to chat with anyone who needs to talk since I want to get to know more people and be helpful in any way I can.

Overall, I'm happy to say that I've focused on myself this past year, for the good and bad. I've been learning to love and accept myself. To educate myself on things happening in the world. To think about my health. To speak up for myself. To not second-guess myself nearly as much as I did in high school and college. And now I'm promising myself to stop stressing over things I have no control of and to just live my life as it is. So, despite all of the not-so-good things, I feel like I'm ready to ease myself back to bookstagram and book blogging, because books saved 12-year-old me when I had felt completely isolated and alone, and books have never let me know when I needed them most.

So I'm looking forward to reading and chatting with book community again, as well as excited to see what everyone is currently reading and what all of your posts look like!

Sincerely,

Whitney Lauren

P.S. Now that I'm getting back into reading, I've decided to start with Wintersong by S. Jae-Jones since it seemed like an appropriate book to start during this chilly season, and I have heard nothing but AMAZING things—so I'll be making updates on Goodreads as I'm reading.